Saying No Without the Guilt

Every yes uses some of your time. When you say yes to everything, there is nothing left for the things you truly want. Saying no kindly is not rude. It is honest.

I always remember my mom singing "I Cain't Say No" from the musical Oklahoma! My mom really could never say no. She was always helping someone, and then complaining when she really had not wanted to do it. She was a pleaser, and as her daughter, I sang that song too. I found myself stressed on more than one occasion, until I pulled myself together. The credit goes to one of my mentors: in a webinar, she got me practising my No lists. I have become very good at it, and it no longer feels so hard. I have much more peace. I feel it is a kind of training for the people who expected more from me than I wanted to give. It makes boundaries much clearer, and it makes for much stronger relationships.

Many of us were raised to put others first and to be helpful. That is a good quality. It just needs a little balance.

• "Thank you for thinking of me. I can't this time."
• "That sounds lovely, but my week is full."
• "I'm not able to take that on right now."
• "I can't do all of it, but I could help with this part."
• "Let me check and get back to you." (Then take the time to decide.)

A short, warm no is kinder than a long excuse. The more you explain, the more room there is to be talked round.

Saying "Let me get back to you" gives you time to ask yourself one question: if this were happening tomorrow, would I be glad I said yes?

Think of one thing coming up that you would rather not do. Practise your no out loud, once. Then send it.